Concluding... and Beginning

Birthdays, in my book, are retrospective. You celebrate your first birthday at the end of your first year. Tomorrow, I turn 39, effectively concluding my 39th year and opening the door to my 40th.

Ten years ago, at the age of 29, I was a very different, and confused person. I was coming to the end of my Saturn Return, which inspired a great deal of upheaval and I had no idea where to turn in my life. I had no idea who I was, what I was meant to be doing in life and I was quite depressed.

In the years that followed, I changed my life quite dramatically. I came out, lived in the English countryside, converted to Nichiren Buddhism, went through a great deal of emotional pain, lost my father, my job and then-girlfriend all in the space of 3 months in 2007. I returned to South Africa, discovered chiropractic, fell out with my sister, met a wonderful lady and married her... It's been a busy ten years.

I have learned great things in my thirties.

I've learned that it's okay to set one's pride aside and ask for help. That no one is actually looking at me all the time. That sometimes, depression presents the gift of being an excellent bullshit filter. That one's purpose is not going to be found popping out of a hat, or a cake, or a fortune cookie: sometimes you create your purpose, sometimes purpose finds you. And that's okay. I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes. The world won't end, lightning won't strike me, and strangers won't be magically imbued with the ability to read every mistake I've made on my face. I've learned that being at the centre of my own life is the most important thing I can do for myself. My happiness is my responsibility and no one else's, and by the same token, I am not responsible for the happiness of others. Family is who you choose to be part of your life, not necessarily those born of the same blood, with the same surname.

Finally, that life is okay, and I am okay, and it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy my life, as I am, with all my quirks, mistakes, weirdness, seriousness, child-likeness, joy, sadness, grab-it-by-the-fucking-balls-ness.

I am more accepting of myself and others than I was ten years ago. I am far more emotionally centred. And I am enjoying my life.

And so, another exciting journey begins as I prepare for another decade in this world. A decade I choose to live in a healthier body, living my purpose, being connected to life and source. Living from the centre of my life. Loving those around me without condition, being more compassionate, especially to myself.

I raise a glass to the woman I was, the woman I am, and the woman I am yet to become. Happy Birthday to me.