Friday, May 25, 2012

Concluding... and Beginning

Birthdays, in my book, are retrospective. You celebrate your first birthday at the end of your first year. Tomorrow, I turn 39, effectively concluding my 39th year and opening the door to my 40th.

Ten years ago, at the age of 29, I was a very different, and confused person. I was coming to the end of my Saturn Return, which inspired a great deal of upheaval and I had no idea where to turn in my life. I had no idea who I was, what I was meant to be doing in life and I was quite depressed.

In the years that followed, I changed my life quite dramatically. I came out, lived in the English countryside, converted to Nichiren Buddhism, went through a great deal of emotional pain, lost my father, my job and then-girlfriend all in the space of 3 months in 2007. I returned to South Africa, discovered chiropractic, fell out with my sister, met a wonderful lady and married her... It's been a busy ten years.

I have learned great things in my thirties.

I've learned that it's okay to set one's pride aside and ask for help. That no one is actually looking at me all the time. That sometimes, depression presents the gift of being an excellent bullshit filter. That one's purpose is not going to be found popping out of a hat, or a cake, or a fortune cookie: sometimes you create your purpose, sometimes purpose finds you. And that's okay. I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes. The world won't end, lightning won't strike me, and strangers won't be magically imbued with the ability to read every mistake I've made on my face. I've learned that being at the centre of my own life is the most important thing I can do for myself. My happiness is my responsibility and no one else's, and by the same token, I am not responsible for the happiness of others. Family is who you choose to be part of your life, not necessarily those born of the same blood, with the same surname.

Finally, that life is okay, and I am okay, and it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy my life, as I am, with all my quirks, mistakes, weirdness, seriousness, child-likeness, joy, sadness, grab-it-by-the-fucking-balls-ness.

I am more accepting of myself and others than I was ten years ago. I am far more emotionally centred. And I am enjoying my life.

And so, another exciting journey begins as I prepare for another decade in this world. A decade I choose to live in a healthier body, living my purpose, being connected to life and source. Living from the centre of my life. Loving those around me without condition, being more compassionate, especially to myself.

I raise a glass to the woman I was, the woman I am, and the woman I am yet to become. Happy Birthday to me.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Delays, Detours and Self Doubt

Delays and Detours

STEP ONE:  Study and pass Grade 12 Maths and Science

Step one update: ON HOLD.

Financial debts that we had incurred have caught up to us, and settling these has become a priority. This means that my journey into mathematics and science is delayed by a year.

Yes, this is a a little disappointing. It has cast a great deal of doubt on my own abilities, my knowledge of myself and  my dreams. I spent most of the weekend thinking that perhaps this is the Universe's way of saying I don't deserve my dreams, that I am not really meant to be a chiropractor. I've been thinking that I am not clever enough to study chiropractic, that I suck at maths and maybe this is all for the best. How silly was I thinking I could go to chiropractic school? I've never been to university. In short, I have been feeling pretty crappy about it all.

Obstacles and Devils. That's what it is. So I found this quote from Nichiren Daishonin:
“Although I and my disciples may encounter various difficulties, if we do not harbour doubts in our hearts, we will as a matter of course attain Buddhahood. Do not have doubts simply because heaven does not lend you protection. Do not be discouraged because you do not enjoy an easy and secure existence in this life.”

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

God, The Devil and a Rastafarian Shapeshifter

A cartoon I did of the dream

I had an odd dream:

I am in a beat up blue Ford Anglia, driving around, looking for the way home. In the backseat are God, The Devil and a Rastafarian Shapeshifter. I find myself driving from daylight into a dark forest, where it's night. I have no idea where I am. There is an old sign, but the letters have worn down to illegible. So I look up into the rearview mirror and I ask God: "Where are we?"

God replies: "I don't know."

Me: "Then you can't be God. If you were, you would know where we are."

Thursday, May 3, 2012


For the second time in two months, we have lost a furry child.

Diego was with us for 24 hours. He came to us from the SPCA Vereeniging. He died most likely of a bad reaction to the anasthetic used for his sterilisation.

Rest in Peace little one. We'll find you again in your next incarnation.

Art for New Blog

Meet Kitty van Dyke, my alter ego. I will very soon be blogging under this name in a new blog I am creating, focussed solely on lesbian life. Watch this space.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Life nella Casa della Lesbica

You'll find a lot of dogs at our home. Four dogs and one cat. And here they are:


Bokkie and Leilah Madam Kitsika

Jock and Tippy under the apricot tree