Midlife Crisis (Part Two) - A Somewhat More Buddhist Perspective

A lot has happened since my last post on experiencing the "midlife crisis".

There has been a change in perspective, which actually occurred a few days after the post. The answer to midlife transformation (as opposed to crisis) was right in front of me. It was, in fact, contained in a picture I had used. This one:

And then, I went and found a few more. Like this:

And that last one was the one that did it for me: I have been chasing something that wasn't actually there.

In Buddhism, life is seen as illusion. As real as it may feel living it and being in life, it is still illusion, and the illusion is of our own making. Instead of seeing opportunity in midlife, I was seeing disaster. I believed the best of my life was over. Fuck you, world. And so on.

In a moment of clarity, it occurred to me that the drama of the midlife transformation was illusion. Yes, it feels very real, but by giving it that much power in my life, I was allowing myself to become stuck in the proverbial mud.

Then I read this. "The more I age, the more life feels precious. Each day, each hour, each minute, each moment, a new gift that is not to be wasted with wrong action, wrong speech, wrong thoughts. There are long run decisions to be taken, and micro ones to be made every day." (Ayya Khema).

And I was reminded of this:

The quote, to paraphrase is: "The thing to remember is that there is no spoon. It is not the spoon that bends, it is your mind."

There is no midlife crisis. It is not the midlife crisis that bends. It is my mind.

Binge Eating/Compulsive Eating Disorder

It started in March. I was doing fine until I was gripped by inexplicable excrutiating chest pain. It was so bad, I believed I was having a heart attack and asked my wife to take me to hospital.

The good news is that it was no heart attack: it was an anxiety attack. I did some research. Yes, an anxiety attack can really feel like a cardiac emergency.

I've had several anxiety attacks since. Some quite bad, others were more manageable. How manageable? Manageable with a return to binge eating.

Food has always been my go-to coping mechanism. I choose the cupcake over the apple every time. Why? How can food soothe someone? For most people it won't make sense. For someone like me, it makes perfect sense. The sugary stuff gives an energy boost and triggers a more positive mood. Carbs slow things down, particularly carbs with cheese. It's like taking a tranquiliser. A nice, liquid, quiet space.

For the last four months, this is how I have made it through my days.

With people like me, who engage in compulsive eating behaviour, there is no "just stick to your diet". Diets are not what will set me free. Dealing with the emotions I run away from, that I quite literally swallow, that is the key.

Everyone has an opinion. Ask a psychologist and they will speak from their experience: psychology. A dietician: nutrition. A spiritual healer: the soul. As many people as you approach for help, that's how many different theories, suggestions and healthy lifestyle plans you'll get. It can get confusing.

The reality is that the answer lies with me. I know my history, my triggers, my emotional state, my spiritual state. Only I have control over that.

This week I ate a chocolate a day. Why? Because on Tuesday I spoke about a difficult period in my life, one that triggers my desire to overeat and create a protective layer of fat on my body so that nothing and no one can get in.

I picked up the following advice, which I am going to implement, as I personally believe it will be useful:

1. Protect my own energy and maintain my own personal space.

2. When the urge to binge arises, meditate instead.

3. Notice, without judgment, what happens when I am around people with negative energy or in negative situations. Do I want to eat? If so, what? Am I overeating?

I have recently been practicing a few soul retrieval exercises. I re-integrated my ten year old self. Since her return, the urge to binge has not been as great as it was. It still needs work, however, it's definitely more positive.

Awareness is power. Healing and recovery is a process that takes place deep down, internally. It's not something that a diet or a gym contract will fix. But compassion and understanding might.



Mid Life Crisis (Part One): A (Not so) Buddhist Perspective

My well meaning, thirty year old chiropractor was rather glib as she announced, "How wonderful! The mid life crisis is an excellent time for spiritual growth." She exclaimed all of this rather gleefully as I sat in my near-to-tears-end-of-the-tether state in her office. I'd poured my heart out about the aches and pains and emotional craziness and the feeling of losing control. And she was like: "Ooh. Yay. Half your life is over." I wanted to smack her.

Clearly, she still has a way to go to enjoy the mid life experience in all its technicolour, volume turned up glory. I was as smug as she was glib: wait till she gets to forty. Ha. Ha.

And that's the other thing. I think that turning forty has turned me snarky. I'm not forty. I am snarky. Next year I'll be snarky one. It's as though the snark setting in my DNA has shifted from "optional" to "default". Pah.

I have not gone out and got myself any of the following traditional mid-life crisis toys and bells and whistles:

Ferrari

Young blonde arm candy

A mohawk

An age inappropriate wardrobe

Plastic Surgery

What I have got is:

A sense that I wasted my entire life up to this point

Life cover

A retirement fund

A gym membership

Severe anxiety attacks that pounce at any given moment without warning

The crushing disappointment that my life didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it when I was ten years old (which I realize is completely ridiculous and I was never going to be the one to solve the mystery of the face on Mars anyway)

Experiencing the mid life transformation is no joking matter, regardless of how many jokes are actually made about it. And yes, it IS a real thing.

Typically, mid-lifers examine their lives and start doing some (what others may think is) very weird shit. Like buying a Ferrari, changing career, dressing differently, going to gym.

For me, there is a bit of that. And a lot of questioning and confusion. And the panic attacks, of course. It is a vastly unpleasant experience. Everything is chaotic. And, it seems, not uncommon. Career, spiritual life, leisure, goals, regrets, anxiety, lack of purpose, life in general. It all seems very much up in the air. Things are changing, beliefs are coming under the spotlight. It's a lot like going through puberty again, but this time knowing better. I can understand why people go for the Ferrari and Plastic Surgery. It would be easy to make the mistake that these things would dispell the uncertainty and craziness.

I've developed an aversion to beige. I have begun wearing more make up. I want to radically change my career and do something "meaningful" with my life. Even though I am not entirely sure what "meaningful" would actually look like if it walked right past me on a bright sunny day.

And since this particular phase echoes the rebellious madness of puberty, there is a strong desire to show the world my middle finger, dust off my Doc Martens and listen to loud music whilst I pout in a darkened room all day.

Which is something that responsible adults at the age of 40 do not do. And, if I am honest, I didn't actually do as a teenager either.

I'll settle with showing the world the middle finger and not wearing beige. Oh. And living my days spouting the following, as it rather nicely sums up just how I feel: