Life

My ten year old self would be so very disappointed if she woke up in this nearly 43 year old body today. She had big plans for us: study medicine, become a world class doctor, writer, singer and cartoonist. Be famous! Travel the world, see America and have lots of pen-pals.

I am not famous or a world class doctor. Nor a world class anything, really. If anyone asked me to sum up my life in one sentence, it would be this:

Nothing has gone according to plan.

Of course, nothing ever does. When I was ten, or sixteen or even twenty, I still clung to a belief that yes, things can go according to plan. I can have it all. I can be a super rockstar opera singer bestselling author cartoonist. (The idea of medical school fell away for me shortly after discovering how badly I sucked at maths.)

Me, aged 23. And I thought I was fat and ugly. 

I had what I now laughingly refer to as my "Quarter Life Crisis" around 25. I was a housewife living in Holland, traipsing along with my husband as he worked around the world. (I also laugh now when I hear Millennials refer to their Quarter Life Crisis. No, little ones, it hasn't even begun yet.)

At the time, I was concerned that my career as a journalist had stalled as a result of my traipsing. I worried what people thought of me. I weighed 44kgs less than what I do today and I was ashamed that I was 'fat'. I cried bitter tears that my dreams of being an opera singer had been scuppered and I was an angry, bitter bundle of nerves that lacked self-esteem and confidence. (This lack of self-esteem and confidence ended up inspiring some spectacularly bad life decisions.) And just for shits and giggles, I battled with ongoing depression, a genetic legacy that I inherited from my mother's side of the family.

Life, I believed right up into my early thirties, was something that happened to me, that I had no control over. Given the track record I had with life, she was a colossal Bitch who wore a 14 inch strap on and who took great pleasure in fucking me really hard in the butt on a regular basis.

It took a long time, but eventually I learned that I was what was happening to my life. This revelation was both liberating and frightening. I was responsible for my life. I was responsible for my decisions and their consequences. Once that particular curtain had been lifted, it was not possible to let it drop back down. It was like taking the red pill in The Matrix.

The only thing that has changed in my life is that I have changed. (Also, I have been able to spot the spectacularly bad decisions before I make them these days. And I am fatter.) I am something of a writer, a bit of a cartoonist, a touch of an artist, a some-time sing-for-fun singer, and as far as the healing arts go, I found a home in the 'alternative medicine' scene. If nothing else, I have discovered that I have a hippy's soul.

I am still navigating my mid-life transition. I am stronger than I was in my twenties. I have more confidence and self-esteem and I have a big tool box filled with stuff I can pull out to help me move forward. It's true that life really does begin at 40.

And it's okay that none of it goes to plan.

More Silent Prayers for the Independent Nichiren Buddhist

I have been given some more silent prayers by John Tate, who has kindly allowed me to link to his page.


You can find them here: More Nichiren Buddhist Silent Prayers

"I've Been So GOOD Today!"

 
 
 
 
Good at WHAT, exactly?

Your job? Not running people over while driving? Resisting the urge to purchase a Bazooka with which to take out that annoying neighbour?

Or do you mean that you have followed all the food rules and not eaten anything you shouldn't have?

Remember when we were kids and our parents would discuss our behaviour that day? "She was SO good!" And we would feel proud. "You won't believe how bad/naughty she was." And we would feel humiliated.

Food is food.

Really, that's all it is. We decide to charge food up with emotions. Cupcakes - bad, tempting, seductive, naughty. Carrots - healthy, a good choice, diet food. Cupcakes are just cupcakes and carrots are just carrots.

When we tell ourselves that we are "good" or "bad" in relation to food, we are giving it power over us and our emotions as well as how we see ourselves. If we stick to our food rules, we are GOOD. If we don't, we are BAD.

And telling ourselves that we are good or bad - and we more often tell ourselves we're bad - has an impact. Words have power. They come to rest in our sub-conscious. The subconscious creates how we behave in the world.

Eat. Enjoy whatever you eat. The food is neither good nor bad. How you perceive yourself in relation to it, is. And that perception is something YOU have power over.

Alterntative Silent Prayers for Independent Nichiren Buddhists - 2

First Prayer
Offering to Protective Forces
I sincerely pray to the protective forces in the Universe, that I might add to those protective forces to protect anyone that practices this teaching. I offer appreciation to the shoten zenjin, the functions in life and in the environment that serve to protect us night and day. I pray that their protective power be further strengthened and enhanced through my practice of the Law. (Chant daimoku three times)
(insert individual prayer here)

(chant Sansho)

Second Prayer
Offering to the Law
I express my sincere gratitude and devotion to the Gohonzon and to those who have made this vehicle available
(chant Sansho)


Third Prayer
Offering to the Lineage

I offer my devotion and gratitude to the Shakyamuni Buddha and Nichiren Shonin.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Fourth Prayer
Offering for Peace and Practitioner

I sincerely pray for the Great Aspiration of the Buddha, the peace of the land brought about through the purification of the mind.


I pray to expiate my negative karma caused by my slander of the Law in this life and in the past and to fulfill my wishes in the present and the future.

(chant Sansho)


Fifth Prayer
Offering to the Deceased and all of Existence

 I pray for my deceased relatives and for all those who have passed away, particularly for these individuals: (Sound bell continuously while offering prayers. Then chant daimoku three times)
(offer special memorial prayers while
sounding the bell continuously)

I pray for peace throughout the world and the happiness of all humanity

(chant Sansho)

Alternative Silent Prayers for Independent Nichiren Buddhists - 1

Silent Prayers
Chant extended (hiki) Daimoku: Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo
(ring bell five times)
(chant Sansho)


First Prayer
Offering to Protective Forces
I sincerely pray to the protective forces that are born from the harmonizing effect of the practice of the One Vehicle. I pray that I might add to those protective forces to protect anyone that practices this teaching.
(insert individual prayer here)

(chant Sansho)

Second Prayer
Offering to the Law
I express my sincere devotion to the Gohonzon. The True Object of Devotion for the Observation of the Mind and the only Depiction of the Triple Bodied Tathâgata in the Fifth Five Hundred Years Period after the Tathâgata’s Passing over to Nirvana.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Third Prayer
Offering to the Lineage

I offer my devotion to the Buddha, the first 25 lineage holders, Kumarajiva, Nanyueh, T’ien-t’ai, Changan, Miaolo, Dengyo, and Nichiren.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Fourth Prayer
Offering for Peace and Practitioner

I sincerely pray for the Great Aspiration of the Buddha, the peace of the land brought about through the purification of the mind.
(chant Sansho)
I pray to eradicate negative karma in my life, and to continually purify and deepen my faith and practice so that I may attain enlightenment in this body.
(insert Personal Prayers)
(chant Sansho)


Fifth Prayer
Offering to the Deceased and all of Existence

I pray that all my deceased relatives, all
deceased Nichiren believers, and all others
who have departed this life may attain
Buddhahood through the power of MyohoRenge-Kyo.
(offer special memorial prayers while
sounding the bell continuously)
(chant Sansho)May the impartial benefits of MyohoRenge-Kyo penetrate the far reaches of the
Universe to allow all life to experience the silence and illumination of the Seat of the Law.
(ring bell three times and chant extended (hiki) Daimoku)