Ten.

Me, aged 9, ready for a 'hobo' party.
I liked the tie and jacket a little too much.

I turn 40 on 26 May. That's in less than a week. And as the birthday approaches, I've been thinking more and more of other decade birthdays and who I was back then.

I like the ten year old me most of all. The me now, too, but the ten year old me was fucken awesome.

I had some odd interests. I loved reading The Unexplained magazine. Even though it was 1983 and we had a TV since 1981*, I still listened to Springbok Radio, waiting patiently for Jet Jungle and the Chappie Chipmunk Show. Back then there was such a thing called a 'radio play' and you'd listen to the stories unfold each day or in some cases, each week

I read about meditation in The Unexplained. So I tried it. One break time at school, instead of going to the field, I sat outside the classroom, cross-legged, trying to meditate. I liked it so I tried it some more. My mother freaked out when I told her I was trying to meditate when she asked me what I was doing in my room, so quiet, just sitting there with my eyes closed. After that I tried to meditate in private.

I also read about telekinesis in The Unexplained. I then proceeded to try to bend spoons like Uri Geller, and to move pencils across the coffee table in the lounge. USING ONLY MY MIND! These experiments were less successful than the meditation.

I spent a lot of time lying on my back in the grass trying to see shapes in the clouds, (officially) but I was looking for flying saucers (the real reason). To this day, day or night, I still look up at the sky... for flying saucers. I also spent a lot of time indoors writing short stories. (I've been writing short stories since I knew how to write a sentence. I was 6 years old at the time.)

My favourite TV programme was "I am Joe's heart/liver/lungs/whatever". Which both my parents thought was a little grim, but allowed me that one indulgence because I had been telling them I was going to become a doctor when I grew up. (I was also going to be a ufologist, a writer, a singer, a cartoonist, a parapsychologist, ghost hunter. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.) And there was Magnum PI and once in a while my sister would let me sneak into her room to watch Dallas.

My friends were a group of boys. I was the only girl. I didn't like any of the girls in my class. They were... 'ew - girls'. Little princesses who only played dolls and had no interest in playing cards or making weird shit out of tin foil. The only girl I liked was Cheryl C, who was a brainy kid and had cool toys like Operation. And her parents were doctors. (Turns out that both Cheryl and I are gay. Interesting.)

The books I took out from the library were mostly L Frank Baum and the Oz stories. And, interestingly, our school library had a stash of UFO books. Those came home with me several times a year.

Ten was also the time the migraines started. And I had the bitch-cunt teacher for Std 3 (Lauren Saldzman nee Stone. Yes you. Google your name and find this. I dare you.). Miss Stone destroyed my confidence. I hated her. We did a presentation on what we wanted to do when we left school. I did the cartoonest-writer-doctor-ufologist shpiel. As I stood there, in front of everyone, she yelled at me (yes, yelled) that I was stupid and would amount to nothing in my life. Yup. I still carry the scars.

I was still a cool kid, though. And there's a lot of that curiosity and anything-is-possible attitude that I would like to import into my second childhood (which starts now). Because if I ever did have a chance of having a kid, I would have been proud to have had a kid like me.



* TV only came to South Africa in 1976. The government of the time believed it to be the work of the devil.

Song.

Five Minute Friday - go over to Lisa-Jo Baker's blog and check out this week's prompt. Write for 5 minutes - only. Free form. Stream of consciousness. Whatever comes. Leave a comment so I can go read yours.

I've heard the term "soul song" before. It's a vibration, a rhythm, a melody that is uniquely yours as you move through the world. The universe is vibration and frequency and we, as beings living in this universe, are vibration and frequency.

There is something wonderful about singing your own life into being. The Australian aborigines believe that a supernatural being sang the world into being, singing the names of all the rocks, plants, animals - everything in the world. When most people think of sacred song, they think of Christian hymns and choirs in cathedrals.

I prefer the notion of someone singing a song and out pops planet earth and everything on it. It appeals to me. And I think that we can do the same.

I did six years of classical vocal training privately and part time. I understand the power of the voice, the power of a song and how music, words, melodies, chants and mantras have the power of creation. Recently, I spent some time with a friend recording mantras and it was a beautiful, deeply sacred thing.

Sacred songs are not just available in churches and temples. Sacred songs live in our souls. We just don't realise we have the ability to sing.

Anxiety

I have nothing that can accurately describe the cold terror that accompanies a full blown anxiety attack. It started with chest pains, then difficulty breathing and then then a no-holds barred full-on-full-fat-serious-motherfucking panic attack.

I have no idea what triggered it this morning. There was that idiot in the traffic. The realisation that I didn't have keys to open the office with. The receptionist/admin assistant who is off sick yet again (she fears she has finger cancer) and I have to do both my work and hers.

It was very dramatic. A lady from an adjoining office popped in to say hello and found me red faced, bent double and gasping while clutching my chest.

I hate this thing. I though I was handling things okay. Just the other day I congratulated myself on how well I appeared to be doing and that perhaps the last anxiety attack I had was, in fact, THE last.

Sitting here with the cold wet cloth pressed to my face, I feel like a complete fool. I popped the little magic pill I got from the doctor at the hospital from my last histrionic attack, and I feel like an utter fool. I have calmed down. The chest pains are gone and I have absolutely no idea whatsoever to make of what has just happened.

What I have done is disrupted several people's days. My wife raced back from Johannesburg city, my friend Joe in the opposite office block was summoned to sit with me.  And now, here I am, alone, and reasonably okay, but I have no real answer as to why this has happened. Again.

And mostly, I feel like a fool.

Warning. Caution. Invitation.

I was once in an abusive relationship. It was a long time ago. At least, it feels like a long time ago. It certainly changed me as a person and had a massive impact on my life. If I refer to that period of my life at all, I call it my time in Hiroshima shortly after the bomb dropped. Because that is what if felt like to me.

I was treated for post traumatic stress disorder. I'm okay now. I laugh. I cry. I live. What I find difficult to watch is someone walking into the mouth of the devil that is the abusive relationship. So I wrote this article, and sent it to Women24.

Brave.

Five Minute Friday (done on a Monday) from Lisa-Jo Baker's blog. This is an awesome way to shake the cobwebs out and write. You have five minutes to write on the topic selected. GO!

Brave.

You never really know you have it in you to be brave until that moment arrives when brave is really the only option. Courage is much the same.

I've been told how brave I am for having come through what I have come through in my life, but really, I did what had to be done in order to move my life forward. There was a moment in each of those instances when I could have chosen to keep the status quo, but instead, chose the only realistic option for me: be brave.

During those days, when I lived in darkness, the very act of getting up out of bed and facing the day was, to me, an act of great courage. You don't have to already have brave as a default setting in order to be brave. Brave is what happens in the moment you need it.

I wouldn't call myself brave. And other women, like Julie who ended up tetraplegic and abandoned by her boyfriend after a motorcycle accident, won't call themselves brave either. It's as though the truly brave women I know keep silent about their courage. And we are all silently courageous. We don't realise it or admit it, but it is there. Every day.

STOP. Your turn.

The Simple Woman's Day Book

I thought I would give this a shot. Sounds interesting. It comes from a blog called The Simple Woman's Day Book: 

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... I have no window. I work in a windowless office.

I am thinking... it would be nice to have a large decaf cappuccino right now.

I am thankful... that I spoke to my cousin for a long while last night and we both managed to release some grief

In the kitchen... the kettle is boiling

I am wearing... my favourite African shirt with jeans

I am creating... documents to be sent out for a law firm

I am going...to my cousin Linsay for dinner tonight

I am wondering...how my wife's day is going

I am reading... The Gabriel Method

I am hoping...that someone will offer to make tea soon

I am looking forward to...the one week holiday we have planned for June

I am learning to be more mindful

Around the house...I am certain the cats are wandering

I am pondering...what the next chapter in my life will reveal.
A favorite quote for today... "Life is too short for bullshit"
One of my favorite things... cuddling with the dogs and cats. Especially in winter.

A few plans for the rest of the week: making music with Justin and catching up with Dori

A peek into my day... I was in the office at twenty to eight this morning. Working flat out since. I could use a power nap around about now.

The Law of Karma

When we think of Buddhism, we think of Karma. When we think of Karma, we often link it to the old adage, "What goes around comes around", and for most people, that is precisely what they believe Karma is.

Karma, however, is more than a cosmic justice system or a reason to feel bad about one's life ("I've got such bad karma, no wonder these bad things keep happening..."). It's also not the feel-good fix-all that you can throw out to make yourself feel better about someone else's misfortune either ("I knew that karma would bite them in the arse eventually).

Karma is a Sanskrit word meaning "action" or "deed". Karma is the action that sets in motion the wheels of cause and effect, and was originally a tennet of the Hindu faith. (It's also a common idea shared in Jainism, Sikhism and even the Falun Gong. Although, if you are familiar with anything new-agey, you'll be familiar with karma too.)

Tied in with Karma is the concept of reincarnation* and the idea that our past actions - stretching back over many life times - all have some sort of impact on the life we are living right now. There are some schools of thought that one has to reincarnate many times in order to transform one's karma and reach Nirvana. There are other schools, like Nichiren Buddhism, who believe that one can transform karma right now, in this very lifetime.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Karma is created through cause and effect. We create causes all day long, we just don't pay much attention to it. An easy example to illustrate this would be my dad. My dad smoked 60 cigarettes a day for most of his life. (The Cause) He died as a result of complications arising from emphysema, a direct result of smoking 60 cigarettes a day for most of his life (The Effect). We can create helpful causes (quitting smoking or not smoking at all) or unhelpful causes (smoking 60 cigarettes a day). These produce helpful effects (better health) or unhelpful effects (slow, painful illness culminating in death by heart attack or stroke). We get to choose.

Every moment of every day provides us with an opportunity to create helpful or unhelpful karma.**  I can choose to donate money to the homeless guy in the street or not. If I choose to donate, I may want to examine my intentions: donating so I can boast to my friends how generous I am (less helpful) or donating because the poor guy looked hungry and could do with a plate of food (more helpful).

SO HOW DO I CHANGE MY KARMA IN DAILY LIFE?

1. First of all, take a look at your less helpful behaviours. This is not an easy or comfortable task, but it will assist you in finding some of the 'biggies' (and some of the biggies, when examined, are actually not that big). For example, mine include a bit of swearing at taxi drivers and getting stressed out and frustrated with people, some jealousy, some poor self esteem.

2. Live mindfully. Be aware of how your actions and words will influence the people around you. Are you saying or doing something out of revenge or spite or are you doing it because you truly are working towards finding the justice in a situation?

3.  Gratitude is fantastic. Being grateful for what we have in the moment brings us back to the ever popular and sometimes elusive "now". Even the now is temporary and will change. Gratitude is a great way of releasing anger, frustration and jealousy.

4.  Nichiren Buddhists believe that chanting Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo helps to polish one's karma. Meditation works on the same level.

5.  Remember it's not all about you. And it is all about you. Your perception of the world is purely that: YOUR perception. To someone else you may seem like the bossy client, but to you, you may seem like someone who knows what she wants and the service providor may appear to be an idiot. Which of these is true? Both. And neither. It's all about how YOU perceive a given situation.

6. Karma isn't a bitch. Your own actions - cause and effect - created the situation you're in. Accept responsibility for your part in your psychodrama and realistically set about rectifying or improving on it.

Your karma is your own responsibility. It's not something that happens to you. It's not a punishment from God, Buddha or the Great Cosmic Joker. Karma holds YOU accountable for your thoughts and actions within your own life. There's no blaming the bunny, or the devil. The only one doing the living in your life is you.

The idea of Karma being my own responsibility is both liberating and sobering. How I treat others and myself will determine my Karma. I am not interested in transforming the karmic backlog of however many lifetimes. I am certain that some things have already been dealt with, or have manifested in this current life to be dealt with now. I only have this moment to polish the mirror in which my karma is reflected. So do you.

*Incidentally, early Christians believed in the concept of reincarnation too, but the idea was one of those that got ditched at the first Vatican Council. The Gnostics and Cathars, however, continued preaching reincarnation until they were all summarily murdered by the Church as heretics and witches

 ** I prefer the terms 'helpful' and 'unhelpful' when it comes to describing karma, as 'good' and 'bad' don't seem to include our own accountability and responsibility.