Friend.

This comes from a friend of a friend, actually. Lisa-Jo Baker's blog was discovered by me, this morning on Kerry's blog. And I decided to take her up on her invitation to spend five minutes of my morning just writing. On the topic of "Friend"... 3... 2... 1.... Time starts... NOW:

I am an odd sort of person when it comes to friends. I have to really like them. That sounds odd, considering everyone really likes their friends, right? What I mean is - like them to the point that their eccentricities, darkness, bad days, let downs, letting me downs don't matter as much as just loving them as my friend.

I am incredibly luck in that I can count some family members as friends too. Not everyone can say that.

I have several friends who have been around a long time. Twenty-five years for two of them. Sixteen years. Fourteen years. Some, fourteen months. And I love them all.

They are all excritiatingly diverse in personality, but they do share just one thing in common: if I haven't seen or spoken to them in ten years, ten months, ten minutes, whenever we get together, it feels as though no time has passed at all and we can simply pick up the thread of the last conversation and reconnect. For that, I am blessed.


STOP. TIME'S UP.

READ MORE ABOUT A SPECIAL FRIEND, HERE

Now it's YOUR turn. Go visit Lisa's blog, read the instructions and do your own "Friend" inspired post. Stick a comment on my page so I can go read your stuff.

Have To / Must.

So here's the thing. I am  undoubtedly very stressed out. In March, I landed my arse in the emergency room with chest pains that I thought were the start of a heart attack. Turns out that I was only having a very severe anxiety attack. And I say 'only' with a tinge of sarcasm.

As a result I have decided to cut all my 'crazy makers', 'have tos' and 'musts' loose. Because they are fucking with my head. First to go was Facebook. Then a few ideas hit the dirt: "I have to become a chiropractor. I have to listen to this idiot. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to be nice/perfect/thin/go to gym five days a week."

Yesterday I was given a freelance editing job that came with no brief, changing of goal posts and a ridiculous deadline. My reaction was:

I am now going to take a break and drink a nice hot cup of tea and I am going to take however long it takes. Because I don't  have to get stressed out about a job that I wasn't given all the pieces of the puzzle for.

A Change of Direction

It was in either 2005 or 2006 that I received Gohonzon from the SGI (Sokka-Gakkai International), a lay organisation based on Nichiren Buddhism.

For some time now I have been practicing independently, and this morning I had a revelation while chanting with new friends who practice in the Nichiren Shu tradition: it is time to return my Gohonzon to the SGI.

As was pointed out to me today, the Gohonzon I received from the SGI is still property of the SGI - it doesn't belong to me per se. Which means that it was never mine and only on loan.

So now begins an interesting process, one that is undertaken with seriousness: the process of returning my Gohonzon.

I didn't even realise I had that decision to make until in a flash it was there, fully formed and my mind already made up. It was instant. It was like believing the world was only made of darkness until someone switched on the lights and it changed everything you thought you know. That dramatic and that instantaneous.

It seems apt. The past year has been a journey through a number of different forms of suffering and now as I stand at the precipice of 40, a lot of things in my life are looking very different.

On 11 March I went into the emergency room because I had chest pains so severe, I thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out that what I was experiencing was a rather severe form of an anxiety attack. I have been making changes that benefit my life since then. I deactivated my Facebook account, I now take lunch breaks. I speak up for myself when I would have remained silent in the past. And here it is, another decision that I didn't realise I had already made: return Gohonzon, keep practicing Nichiren Buddhism and learn more about the Nichiren Shu practice and Buddhism as a whole.

I know I will be fine. Yes, there are other changes to make. One at a time. And this change feels 100% right and in line with my life and in line with respecting myself.

The Big Four-Oh Approaches...



This is me, about 38 or so years ago

 I turn 40 this year.

Hard to believe.

Technically, I am already in my fortieth year and my next birthday is really a celebration of the conclusion of being 40.

And I've noticed a few things. At first, some of the things made me think that perhaps I was turning into my mother, but upon closer inspection, it seems that I am returning to myself.

I noticed that I had begun to listen to Classic FM in the car. And classical music at work. My mother used to do this, but so did I, as a child. For some reason, I loved classical music when I was a kid. Which is admittedly weird for a child, but I was no ordinary child.

The music soothes me. 

At home, I listen to Lotus FM. Yes. Lotus FM. I know, right? Caucasian girl listens to Indian music. When I was a little girl, we sometimes went to Tempo curtains, which was run by an Indian family. They were always playing Radio Lotus. I loved it. Rinky-Tinky music, I called it. I have fantastic memories of ducking through swathes of curtain material while tablas and sitars played and women sang in unusual high pitched voices in a magical language. And the day I discovered the radio station for myself - oh, the joy! Needless to say, my mother was far from impressed.

Picture Credit: Germaine de Larch

I listen to my mod-jazz, afro-jazz, vintage jazz and it fills me with joy. The thought of taking up singing again fills me with joy. My eccentricity and love of floppy hats fills me with joy. It is as though I have no time or space in my life for those things that do not fill me, create joy or resonate with my soul. I have no time for crazy-makers, psychic vampires or people who are black holes that try to suck out my soul. I have no time for cheap and nasty wine or chocolates or cake.

I have become more vocal and more eccentric. I want to create art, perform and tick off the items on my bucket list. I want to live a life that is full, passionate and meaningful.

I still wonder where the decade went between 30 and now. I lived that time in a fog. At 29, I remember being on my knees in the bathroom, crying my heart out and asking the Universe to let someone live my life, that I was unable to do so myself. That I couldn't. And a part of me, deep down, took over for a while. And it lived out ten years in a mostly dissociative state.

Now, though, I have a strong desire to live fully and authentically. Eccentrically. With floppy hats and strawberry daiquiris and jazz and cuban music and Lotus FM. It feels good to be on the brink of 40.

What Have You Got Lined Up for 2013?

My friend Kerry, over on Ginger and Spice asked, at the end of one of her blog posts, "What have you got lined up for 2013?"

Well, 2012 was... interesting... I wouldn't say it was THE worse year in the history of Tam, but it was amongst the most challenging. Also not THE most challenging, but in the top ten. Not that challenging years should have a top ten, mind you. People like recapping top tens. Like the top ten hits of the eighties or some such. Bottom ten, maybe?

We got off to a shaky financial start in 2012 and lost three furbabies in the space of four months. My health was ridiculous. And not ridiculously good. Ridiculously bad. The plus side, though, our business flourished, we gained lots of new clients and bought a second car. Not to mention that our challenges were opportunities to grow closer to each other. I began to transform myself into a healthier being and Madelein and I celebrated four years of marriage in a country, which can be silly about a lot of things, is not silly about same-sex marriage. However unAfrican it may be.

So. What have I got planned for 2013. Let's see:

*  Somewhere in 2012, I lost my ability to tolerate bullshit and fakery. Long may it continue!

*  I have a lot of studying to do. Maths and Science matric - old curriculum. Higher grade. I need tutors. LOTS of them.

*  To finance abovementioned tutors, I have taken on some proofreading work and will be selling my paintings (that I painted, not that I had acquired).

*  Having rediscovered my voice, I would like to put some tunes together and put on a show. A drag king show. A drag king JAZZ show. Just because it's on the bucket list.

*  I intend to do all three Sleek Geek challenges and continue the good work started last year with transforming my health. Yay! And just to be on the safe side, I found a personal trainer who can help me (not all the time - personal trainers cost more than tutors so I can't have a whole one at once). See above financing ideas.

*  I am writing a saga. Bitterhoek. Those who know about it will know about it.

*  A collaboration of words and image with Germaine de Larch.

*  Presenting at least 3 creative writing workshops

*  Meeting my friends in Jozi in the real world more often.

*  Madelein and I are planning a spiritual ceremony for towards the end of the year to celebrate five years of marriage.

There you have it,

What have YOU got lined up for 2013?

In Real Life





 

I very much doubt that the world will become an emptier place should I discontinue updating everyone on exactly what I did at the gym today. There will be no volcanic eruptions or asteroids slamming into the earth. The world will simply continue as it has always done.

 

And why is it, exactly, that I feel the need to inform all and sundry just how bloody difficult that cardio workout was, or how my client's receptionist is a whiney, immature little madam who is so far up her own arse she can see her tonsils? Is it validation I need? If I don't post on Facebook or Twitter, do I cease to exist? Of course not. I actually exist in the real world with my flaws and moodiness and pouting silences, far away from the witty remarks and intellectual ponderings. The cyberworld gets to see the witty, interesting virtual me and thinks that this is the real me.

 

In fact, the real me isn't even the me that I think I am. You see, before coming here, I convinced myself that I am Tam Olckers, when in fact, the personality Tam Olckers doesn't actually exist. But that is a long discussion for another day and I digress.

 

I am quite seriously cutting down my virtual life. I am no longer going to be logging into Facebook several times a day to see how everyone is doing and to splash everyone's news feed with my petty, boring and unsubstantial remarks and comments. I don't live my life in status updates, comments and likes. I live it in sweat, blood, tears, laughter and copious amounts of coffee.

 

 

The decision to unplug comes in on the blazing comet tail of my other decision to no longer fill my life with emotional junk, clutter and noise. I no longer have the energy - or time - to get wound up in intrigues, scandals and photos of planking. Ditching the junk means ditching junk activities as well as all the junk food and junk thoughts I've been consuming. It doesn't mean I won't log on once in a while to say "Hi" to all the friends I won't get to connect with otherwise. I'll still post updates once in a while. I'll still comment and like and look at the photos of planking.  Facebook has become the only vehicle of communication with some friends and family. I just won't be communicating quite as often as you've become accustomed to.

 

Luckily for me, the people I have on my social media are people I respect, love and would invite to an elaborate multi-course dinner at my home. Life, I've decided, is too short for cheap red wine and fake friends. I have paintings waiting to be born, and those of you who began reading  my "Bitterhoek" saga will want to read more and I need the space - within myself and in my schedule - to do that. There is a lot of studying (of maths and science) to happen next year. There is no way I can do all this and still keep checking into Facebook six times a day.

 

It's time for me to live In Real Life. To have real conversations, cups of coffee and dinners with the people who live in Johannesburg and meaningful emails and letters with everyone else.

 

I miss the silence I had before. I miss seeing people face to face. I regret nothing.

 

Wisdom and Compassion

Buddhists are known for their compassion and understanding. They even have a name for this: Bodhisattva Practice. A Bodhisattva, quite simply put, is a being of great compassion, who has dismissed an opportunity to live in Nirvana and continue to live in the earthly realm to help others attain Buddhahood.

Sounds lofty. Impossible, even. Still, compassionate practice, as a Buddhist, is something to strive for.

It is an ideal that I have reached for, and often failed miserably at the task.

Recently, I have experienced an odd phenomenon. Young people have come to me seeking advice for their problems and I have dispensed said advice, reminding them that the advice came from my own experience, which may not be their experience. Advice dispensed, I sat back feeling a little smug that I was a) asked and b) all the problems in the world had been solved.

Yet, the next day, they came back for more advice on the same situation, which I could see was disastrous. I dispensed my advice. I did not feel so smug. I had been in the same situation as these young ladies and I so wanted to snatch them away from the grim abyss that awaited them if they continued down that path. I knew that path. I had walked it and had seen the sights.

I related all of this to a wise friend. She pondered the dilemma a moment and reminded me that compassion and wisdom went hand in hand. "Even the Dalai Lama is a man," she said, "He has to meditate on things first."

Sometimes being compassionate is simply not doing anything at all, respecting someone else's journey and allowing their karmic lessons to unfold. I cannot prevent another person from putting their hand into the fire, no matter how much I tell them it will burn and scar. They can see that it is fire. By being adament about the path someone SHOULD take is being disrespectful of their karma and life path. (And I am all about people respecting my journey, yet here I was disrespecting someone else's.)

So I step back. I honour and respect their journey by honouring and respecting mine. Compassion sometimes means allowing others to make mistakes so that they may grow instead of taking those opportunities from them and preventing them from growth.