Ah yes. Peri-Menopause Part One

Because of the length of this treatise on peri-menopause, this post has been divided intothree parts.

You are not crazy. You might be peri-menopausal.

You know all those jokes people make about women going through menopause? Well. Turns out they're not jokes about menopause, but about peri-menopause.

Peri-menopause is a bit of a sneaky bitch. At least, for me. The early signs started about 7 or 8 years ago without me even realising it. 

It started out with intense anxiety, urinary incontinence and lowered sex drive. And a helluva lot of bladder and kidney infections. Also, a missed period here and there. Which is unusual for me because my cycle is like clockwork. I did suspect peri-menopause, but blood work was in the normal range. My (male) doctor at the time poo-pooed the idea of the onset of peri-menopause because I was "too young" to be going through peri at my age.

I have learned since that peri-menopause can start as early as 35. So, at the age of 38/39 I wasn't too young. It was just my body's clock that decided when I was going to go through peri and not a few pages in a medical text book. 

So... what is peri-menopause? It is not menopause itself - it's the time leading up to menopause when the hormones produced by our bodies start taking a nose dive in the lead up to menopause. Menopause is the period after your period stops completely - and it is said that you've reached menopause once you haven't had a period for a year. Or two years, depending on who you speak to.

Peri-menopause brings with it a bunch of not-so-nice symptoms (you can take a look at a list of them here: PER-MENOPAUSE INFO)

Later on, the symptoms became worse and I began to question my sanity: severe anxiety and depression, suicidal thoughts, brain fog, fatigue, body pain, memory issues, lack of focus and concentration... and this is a few years before the hot flashes started and those arrived three years ago.

I believed I was having a psychotic break a number of times. And this, I've since learned, is because of the drop in the hormone progesterone.

I was only taken seriously about my peri-menopause theory when a) I switched to a female doctor and b) the hot flashes and the gaps in my periods went from a week or two to several months.

You're not going nuts - you're going through a process which no one wants to believe you're going through. Not even the blood tests will show you're peri-menopausal right at the start of things.

My symptoms began with urinary incontinence and anxiety. I mean - what the hell? You're not going to be thinking menopause is on the way, right?

Then came the depression, the intense daily headaches, change in stamina.... the list goes on. For me, the hot flashes and physical symptoms were relatively easy to cope with. It was the psychological symptoms that I continue to struggle with. (more in part two)

So keep a journal of your period for a few months. See if you skip any, or if there are any changes to the length between periods, how long your periods last and if you bleed more heavily or less. Note also any physical changes such as vaginal dryiness or pain during sex.

Some symptoms can be linked to other illnesses so it's really important you still get checked out by your doctor. And it's okay to question your doctor if they tell you that you can't possibly be peri-menopausal because of your age.

Buddhist turns to God

It's been a very long while since I've posted anything. But today I feel moved quite strongly to post this.

For a period of 2 years I have seen signs from God that He has wanted me to turn to Him. I ignored them, of course. Because - Buddhist.

Then in December I dreamt of God. I spoke to Her (as she appeared to me). Later I had another dream in which I was re-baptised. I ignored those as well.

Then, on Easter Monday this year, I heard a voice distinctly say to me, "Pack up your statues and occult books. Follow me for a year from Easter Monday to Easter Monday".

So that's what I did and that's what I am doing. It's no accident I am writing this blog post. I was asked to do so by God.

And while I am still early stages of this journey, I feel more at peace. It's not been easy, though. It's actually been extremely challenging and incredibly difficult for the most part. But it feels right. And I feel good about it.

So here it is: I am a Buddhist who is turning to God. I am honouring His request and seeing what adventures pop up along the way.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end.

Every Season of 24 in a Nutshell:

Someone is after Jack Bauer/The President

They are using a terrorist group to get to them

A deadly virus/nuclear bomb/other sort of bomb is about to be unleashed on Los Angeles/New York/The World

Someone in CTU/The Whitehouse/FBI/all of the above is helping the evil terrorists

Oh no! It’s a conspiracy! The evil terrorists are a smoke screen for the real villain!

Explosion

Gun fight

The disaster they've been trying to avert happens

Chloe tells everyone what's really going on. No one believes her.

Jack captured by villains

Jack escapes from villains

Jack Bauer is shot/stabbed/infected with deadly virus. Oh no! Will he live? Of course he will!

Someone Jack cares about is in danger!

Jack disobeys orders to save them

Jack disobeys orders to save Los Angeles/New York/The World

A character reminds everyone that another character is a sociopath

Explosion

Gun fight

Helicopter

They believe Chloe now

Person Jack cares about dies/is deeply psychologically scarred/maimed/leaves the series

Jack saves The President/Los Angeles/New York/The World

He's still in trouble: he didn't get permission to save The President/Los Angeles/New York/The World/A lost puppy...

Tam Tries... Daily Affirmations for One Month

A month ago I set out to find out if doing daily affirmations would actually make any kind of difference in my life. I've used affirmations before, but quite honestly, without any commitment whatsoever.

In the past, I would maybe do them for a week, half heartedly and then stop. This time, I decided to commit an entire month. OK - I didn't manage them EVERY single day. But I managed them most days, and tracked them in my bullet journal.

I found the affirmations available from Unlock Your Life, a YouTube channel, really helpful. I had no idea where to start, and the channel gave me a kick off. There are so many affirmation collections to choose from and I started off with Morning Energising Affirmations.

The owner of the channel is a lady named Sarah Dresser, who is an actual clinical hypnotherapist, which set my mind at ease that this was the real deal and not Fong Kong.

When I started, my energy levels swung between "meh" and "FML". My mood was quite low as well. At first, it seemed like the affirmations were a waste of time, but a week in and something happened: my energy had increased and I no longer felt as low as I did. By the second week, my energy was at normal and my self esteem was healthier.

Now my energy levels are between "neutral" and "good" with a few days of "really good". Mood is between "neutral" and "I love my life".

Have affirmations made a difference? I think they have. I've decided to try other affirmations on Sarah's channel and am commiting to doing affirmations daily till the end of the year.

Here's the video I started with:

I'd love to hear your feedback - will you take the one month affirmation challenge?

The First Page of My Book

For a very long time, I was massively pissed off at the Universe. I was given a Life, plonked on this planet and had no idea what to do with myself. Or my Life.

I think it would be nice if on our tenth birthdays, say, the clouds part, angels descend to the tune of Beethoven’s Ode To Joy, and we are presented a book of instructions on how to live Life.

Perhaps accompanied by a selection of Bon-Bons and chocolate.

And a Unicorn.

Regrettably, this has never happened and never will happen. There are no manuals on how to live life or how to be happy. (Unless you count this one, and it’s usefulness is up for debate.)

Life

My ten year old self would be so very disappointed if she woke up in this nearly 43 year old body today. She had big plans for us: study medicine, become a world class doctor, writer, singer and cartoonist. Be famous! Travel the world, see America and have lots of pen-pals.

I am not famous or a world class doctor. Nor a world class anything, really. If anyone asked me to sum up my life in one sentence, it would be this:

Nothing has gone according to plan.

Of course, nothing ever does. When I was ten, or sixteen or even twenty, I still clung to a belief that yes, things can go according to plan. I can have it all. I can be a super rockstar opera singer bestselling author cartoonist. (The idea of medical school fell away for me shortly after discovering how badly I sucked at maths.)

Me, aged 23. And I thought I was fat and ugly. 

I had what I now laughingly refer to as my "Quarter Life Crisis" around 25. I was a housewife living in Holland, traipsing along with my husband as he worked around the world. (I also laugh now when I hear Millennials refer to their Quarter Life Crisis. No, little ones, it hasn't even begun yet.)

At the time, I was concerned that my career as a journalist had stalled as a result of my traipsing. I worried what people thought of me. I weighed 44kgs less than what I do today and I was ashamed that I was 'fat'. I cried bitter tears that my dreams of being an opera singer had been scuppered and I was an angry, bitter bundle of nerves that lacked self-esteem and confidence. (This lack of self-esteem and confidence ended up inspiring some spectacularly bad life decisions.) And just for shits and giggles, I battled with ongoing depression, a genetic legacy that I inherited from my mother's side of the family.

Life, I believed right up into my early thirties, was something that happened to me, that I had no control over. Given the track record I had with life, she was a colossal Bitch who wore a 14 inch strap on and who took great pleasure in fucking me really hard in the butt on a regular basis.

It took a long time, but eventually I learned that I was what was happening to my life. This revelation was both liberating and frightening. I was responsible for my life. I was responsible for my decisions and their consequences. Once that particular curtain had been lifted, it was not possible to let it drop back down. It was like taking the red pill in The Matrix.

The only thing that has changed in my life is that I have changed. (Also, I have been able to spot the spectacularly bad decisions before I make them these days. And I am fatter.) I am something of a writer, a bit of a cartoonist, a touch of an artist, a some-time sing-for-fun singer, and as far as the healing arts go, I found a home in the 'alternative medicine' scene. If nothing else, I have discovered that I have a hippy's soul.

I am still navigating my mid-life transition. I am stronger than I was in my twenties. I have more confidence and self-esteem and I have a big tool box filled with stuff I can pull out to help me move forward. It's true that life really does begin at 40.

And it's okay that none of it goes to plan.

More Silent Prayers for the Independent Nichiren Buddhist

I have been given some more silent prayers by John Tate, who has kindly allowed me to link to his page.


You can find them here: More Nichiren Buddhist Silent Prayers

"I've Been So GOOD Today!"

 
 
 
 
Good at WHAT, exactly?

Your job? Not running people over while driving? Resisting the urge to purchase a Bazooka with which to take out that annoying neighbour?

Or do you mean that you have followed all the food rules and not eaten anything you shouldn't have?

Remember when we were kids and our parents would discuss our behaviour that day? "She was SO good!" And we would feel proud. "You won't believe how bad/naughty she was." And we would feel humiliated.

Food is food.

Really, that's all it is. We decide to charge food up with emotions. Cupcakes - bad, tempting, seductive, naughty. Carrots - healthy, a good choice, diet food. Cupcakes are just cupcakes and carrots are just carrots.

When we tell ourselves that we are "good" or "bad" in relation to food, we are giving it power over us and our emotions as well as how we see ourselves. If we stick to our food rules, we are GOOD. If we don't, we are BAD.

And telling ourselves that we are good or bad - and we more often tell ourselves we're bad - has an impact. Words have power. They come to rest in our sub-conscious. The subconscious creates how we behave in the world.

Eat. Enjoy whatever you eat. The food is neither good nor bad. How you perceive yourself in relation to it, is. And that perception is something YOU have power over.

Alterntative Silent Prayers for Independent Nichiren Buddhists - 2

First Prayer
Offering to Protective Forces
I sincerely pray to the protective forces in the Universe, that I might add to those protective forces to protect anyone that practices this teaching. I offer appreciation to the shoten zenjin, the functions in life and in the environment that serve to protect us night and day. I pray that their protective power be further strengthened and enhanced through my practice of the Law. (Chant daimoku three times)
(insert individual prayer here)

(chant Sansho)

Second Prayer
Offering to the Law
I express my sincere gratitude and devotion to the Gohonzon and to those who have made this vehicle available
(chant Sansho)


Third Prayer
Offering to the Lineage

I offer my devotion and gratitude to the Shakyamuni Buddha and Nichiren Shonin.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Fourth Prayer
Offering for Peace and Practitioner

I sincerely pray for the Great Aspiration of the Buddha, the peace of the land brought about through the purification of the mind.


I pray to expiate my negative karma caused by my slander of the Law in this life and in the past and to fulfill my wishes in the present and the future.

(chant Sansho)


Fifth Prayer
Offering to the Deceased and all of Existence

 I pray for my deceased relatives and for all those who have passed away, particularly for these individuals: (Sound bell continuously while offering prayers. Then chant daimoku three times)
(offer special memorial prayers while
sounding the bell continuously)

I pray for peace throughout the world and the happiness of all humanity

(chant Sansho)

Alternative Silent Prayers for Independent Nichiren Buddhists - 1

Silent Prayers
Chant extended (hiki) Daimoku: Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo
(ring bell five times)
(chant Sansho)


First Prayer
Offering to Protective Forces
I sincerely pray to the protective forces that are born from the harmonizing effect of the practice of the One Vehicle. I pray that I might add to those protective forces to protect anyone that practices this teaching.
(insert individual prayer here)

(chant Sansho)

Second Prayer
Offering to the Law
I express my sincere devotion to the Gohonzon. The True Object of Devotion for the Observation of the Mind and the only Depiction of the Triple Bodied Tathâgata in the Fifth Five Hundred Years Period after the Tathâgata’s Passing over to Nirvana.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Third Prayer
Offering to the Lineage

I offer my devotion to the Buddha, the first 25 lineage holders, Kumarajiva, Nanyueh, T’ien-t’ai, Changan, Miaolo, Dengyo, and Nichiren.
(chant Sansho)
(insert individual prayer here)


Fourth Prayer
Offering for Peace and Practitioner

I sincerely pray for the Great Aspiration of the Buddha, the peace of the land brought about through the purification of the mind.
(chant Sansho)
I pray to eradicate negative karma in my life, and to continually purify and deepen my faith and practice so that I may attain enlightenment in this body.
(insert Personal Prayers)
(chant Sansho)


Fifth Prayer
Offering to the Deceased and all of Existence

I pray that all my deceased relatives, all
deceased Nichiren believers, and all others
who have departed this life may attain
Buddhahood through the power of MyohoRenge-Kyo.
(offer special memorial prayers while
sounding the bell continuously)
(chant Sansho)May the impartial benefits of MyohoRenge-Kyo penetrate the far reaches of the
Universe to allow all life to experience the silence and illumination of the Seat of the Law.
(ring bell three times and chant extended (hiki) Daimoku)

Sharing Abundance With Others

The Buddha encourages us to be generous. It's part of the practice of any follower - to give, to be generous, to assist the poor. He even goes to far as listing what should be given:

The basic requirements are:

1. Food
2. Clothing
3. Dwelling places
4. Medicine

Secondary objects:

1. Vehicles
2. Books
3. Utensils, lights, seats etc.

In giving food, especially, one is giving life. He has said that if we all knew about the myriad benefits of sharing our food, we would share our food every day.

When we share our food with others, we are replenishing them, giving life, strength and allowing their minds to function more optimally. We are assisting them in being in a better position to change their karma.

Recently, I have made the acquaintance of several homeless men: Young Lucas, Old Lucas, Madala, Isaac and Desmond. It has been humbling to discover how simple their desires are compared with my own: food, clothing, shelter, a job, and in the case of Old Lucas, a Bible and books to read. These are all things I take for granted every single day.

These are also the people we walk past every single day without a single nice thought. We usually think, "They should get a job" or "I worked hard for my money. They don't. They just beg."

The reality is that we have no idea what life circumstances led them to live life on the streets. It could so easily be any one of us out there.

When I bring food to Old Lucas, he doesn't hesitate to share what I have given him with Madala and Isaac, no matter how little it is. Which is more than what we, who have more food than we know what to do with, are willing to do.  (Watch this video: CLICK HERE.)

How is it then, that homeless people are more generous with each other than we are, who have so much more? If we haven't been in the situation homeless people find themselves, it's easier to not see them as human and walk on by.

The truth is we are all human. One of us is not less human than the other. We all deserve compassion and love.

 The Buddha tells us we are all One. The teacher Jesus tells us that "who among you does this for the least of these people, does it for me". (To paraphrase - it's been a long time since I read a Bible)

Basically, everyone around us is a reflection of ourselves, of The Buddha, or The Christ, or Krishna, or God.

Anyway. The point of this was to relate what happened when I donated an old pair of shoes and a T-shirt to Desmond.

A friend generously gave me the shoes and T-shirt, which I passed on to Desmond. I saw him the next day, wearing the T-shirt, but not the shoes. He told me he didn't want to wear the shoes while standing in the rain because they were really nice shoes and he didn't want to ruin them.

To the friend, these were old running shoes that no longer served a purpose. To Desmond, these were really nice shoes that he didn't want to ruin.

The old stuff that you don't use  can be used by someone else.

I am collecting old clothes for these guys: shoes, socks, shirts, trousers, caps - anything. I am also collecting items such as soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes and razors for shaving. Books for Old Lucas to read. Food items too.

If you are willing to donate and be part of making a difference in at least one person's life, please get in touch.

A Letter to the Editor

Dear Unnamed Editor of Unnamed Magazine

Doing your sub editing and proof reading has made me lose my will to live. Not only because all you send me is mindless, poorly written drivel from untrained writers, but because you have absolutely no clue how to actually run a magazine (and make no effort to learn).

Your magazine is meant to come out four times a year. So far, there has been only one issue. ONE. In February. You promised to send me copy to sub in March for your winter edition. I didn't hear from you until September when you began putting together the spring edition, which became the summer edition. You tell me you'll send me articles to look at on a specific day. I get them three weeks later from you, if I am lucky. In the case of the supposed May edition, I was promised articles in the beginning of March. You sent them at the end of September and told me we were now magically working on the October edition. (Which, incidentally, has not actually been printed yet.)

What the fuck are you playing at? You have a day job, I get that. Then what the fuck are you doing with a magazine? It's a full time job, woman. And it requires an editor, not an event planner and part time whatever, to edit it. What the fuck were you THINKING?

I work at a seriously cut-rate price. Less than half of what I should be charging, as a favour to you because you are 'just starting out'. Seriously? It's not worth having a new arsehole chewed by you because I take THREE extra days to sub and proof articles (which you sent me four weeks after you said you would) because I had been to a funeral and had to take care of urgent work for a client. If you'd actually sent me the articles when you said you would, perhaps you could have had them subbed and proofed in good time.

I am tired of you chasing me with the: "The magazine is going to print on Tuesday next week, so I need these subbed by tomorrow morning" only to find out that no, nothing went to print. Nothing since FEBRUARY, in fact. So what was that about? Some make believe magazine?

So I give you my middle fingered salute, Unnamed Editor. I am tired of begging you for months to pay me the pittance I've worked for. I am tired of your attitude towards your writers: "They must be happy because it's a privelege to be published" (on not paying writers)*. I am gatvol for waiting for articles to come, which only materialise months later. I am not your bitch. Go find someone else you can fuck over.

Enclosed, please find a pineapple. It is my hope that you will fuck yourself sideways with it.

Yours suicidally

T



* My response was: "It's a privelege to be a publisher who has writers willing to write for your magazine for free."

Not All Buddhists Are Vegetarian

I officially became a Nichiren Buddhist on 8 October 2005. I was quite surprised when I was told that it was not obligatory to become vegetarian in order to practice this Buddhism. I'd believed that ALL Buddhists, regardless of the school, were vegetarian.

Turns out, not so much.

Nichiren Buddhism is part of the Mahayana, or Great Vehicle, branch of Buddhism. (The other two branches are Theravada and Vajrayana, in case you're interested. We're not going to go into the various branches of Buddhism today, though. We'll save that for another time.) It appears that the Japanese Kamakura schools of Buddhism, like Zen and Nichiren Buddhism, have relaxed the rules a bit, and view vegetarianism as more of a choice than absolutely necessary.

To begin with, Buddhist monks and nuns were not vegetarian. They travelled around the country, teaching, and receiving alms from others. If they were given meat in their food bowl, they didn't refuse it. They could only refuse if they knew with absolute certainty that the animal had been slaughtered in their honour. Otherwise, they were permitted to eat the meat.

The Theravada schools allow the eating of meat, with the prohibition of eating certain meats - including human and elephant. Vajrayana schools permit the eating of meat. Mahayana schools on the whole believe that a vegetarian diet should be pursued as part of the Bodhisattva way. Some sects even prohibit the consumption of root vegetables as this is seen as the living part of a plant and to eat it, would mean the death of the plant.

Not so much Nichiren Buddhism and other Japanese schools, though. Nichiren himself, apparently, was a vegetarian, and there is some debate as to whether The Buddha (Siddharta Gautama) was actually vegetarian.

In any case, Nichiren states, in his letter to Akimoto, "One who kills a mere ant will fall into hell, to say nothing of those who kill fish or birds." -  (WND V1 P1019). Nichiren Buddhism, particularly the Soka-Gakkai, call their followers Bodhisattvas of the Earth. It is common for those involved in Bodhisattva practice to avoid eating meat as the practice involves showing compassion and loving kindness to all sentient beings.

Am I a vegetarian? Not now. I became vegetarian during my conversion to Nichiren Buddhism and remained a vegetarian for about two years. Upon my return to South Africa in 2007, I experienced a migraine, after which I was meat crazy. I ended up raiding the fridge and ate all the cold chicken and salami there was. I've eaten meat since.

There is a strong belief in New Age circles that eating meat dulls one's third eye and causes aggression in the meat eater. This is something worth exploring for one's self. In early 2011, a friend and I embarked on an experiement to see if we could live on a vegan diet. Both of us lasted 22 days. I did feel calmer and more centred on the diet, it has to be said.

Can You Pass The Rorschach Test?

Hermann Rorschach, celebrated today in the Google Doodle, is the creator of the controversial psychological assessment test known as the Ink Blot or Rorshach Test. I pootled over to the wikipedia page to take a look at these ink blots, which you can too, here, and while I was at it, I decided to take the test myself.

The results, my dear friends, I share with you below. They are very far from the more common answers listed on the wikipedia page. It only confirms what I've known all along: I am batshit crazy and there is no cure.

Read on at your own peril.

Two giant dogs tearing the head off a mutant praying mantis. See how its hands are raised, trying to feel for its lost head?

A couple of Russian dancers high-fiving after executing a complicated move that ends with them both simultaneously stomping on a lit firework.

A primitive cave painting of two women fighting over a calabash that contains some powerful magic they have cooked up while two small red demons look on and laugh

Praying Mantis Man riding a rad-ass Harley.

Moth Man drags his helpless victims to his lair. Mwahahahaha.

Space Alien vagina

Portrait of a gray alien (Zeta Reticulans) wearing Elizabethan Era attire

A couple sabre-toothed bulls building a totem pole

Two dragons battle for the control of Tokyo

The Mystic Warrior Samurai using his magic to keep the world from collapsing by holding the energies of good and evil in each hand and not allowing them to ever meet


Yup. Crazy in the coconut.

My Dad.

After my father died, I found a letter that was written by my mother to him back in 1975 My dad had gone on a training course and was away for about three months and my mother had written to him to give him an update on how things were at home.

In the letter, she told him how his two year old daughter (me), had been going up to the gate to look out onto the street to wait for him. Apparently, I did this every single day, and as I stood there, I would call out, "Daddy! Daddy!" and wait there for him to come. When I realised he was not coming home, I would stand at the gate and cry. My mother, in the letter, wrote how heart wrenching this act was and she hoped that I would eventually give up and stop looking for him.

I don't know if I gave up looking for him, though. The letter didn't indicate that I did, nor did I find other letters from that time. Rather, I gave up looking through the immense stack of letters exchanged between my parents over the periods of time when my dad was away. After reading two of them, I decided that perhaps it's best I not know anything about their exchanges.

Needless to say, my dad was my favourite parent. I still love him, even though it's been six years since he crossed over. And, like the two year old me, I still sometimes look for him.

Not long after his death, I sat in the lounge in his house and saw him, transparent and wearing his gardening clothes (blue checked shirt with blue shorts) walk from the kitchen, into the dining room, through the dining room table and then vanish.

In 2010, I saw him in a kind of half-dream, half-vision, in which he once again appeared in his gardening clothes (my father loved his garden and he loved gardening) to tell me, "You have work to do."

Even now, if I see an old man in blue shorts and sandals, I check to see if it's my dad. Even now, knowing well and truly that dad is never coming back to this particular life in the form I knew him.

And I miss him. Every day. I miss his advice. I miss his wisdom. I miss talking conspiracy theories and smoking with him while we sip coffee together.

I love you daddy.

September 2006 - four months before he died.

The Unfettered Joy of Being Alive

I am so grateful that I am ME.

There were times in my life when I wasn't. I wanted to be anyone else but me, or, I wanted to rewind my life to the times when I thought the person I was at a specific time was better than the person I was in that particular moment.

Today, though, I am happy to be exactly who I am, where I am, in the skin that I am living in.

This revelation occurred a short time ago, however I only truly acknowledged it this morning. (OK, it realised this just over a week ago, but was unable to enjoy it because I experienced a health challenge that quickly pushed the joy aside and I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself).

I don't live a life without struggle. The Buddha tells us that life is suffering. How we navigate that suffering is what is important. Life is never a constant run of happiness or a constant run of great sorrow. It's usually a mix between the two. Sometimes sorrow, sometimes joy. They are two sides of the same coin.

The Buddha tells us:

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

This, I think, is what happens when we apply our Buddha Eye to how we view the world.

We all have a comment on the weather. It's either too hot or too cold. Or there's too much rain or none at all. Recently, the clouds gathered over Johannesburg and there was a lot of "Oh no, please don't let it rain. I hate the rain." The rain is necessary. It is neutral, but our feelings are not. Others were overjoyed that the rain was coming. Who was right? No one. The rain is the rain. It is what it is. We cannot change the fact that it rains, but we do have the power to change how we think about the rain.

This analogy can be applied to our lives and how we see ourselves. If we see ourselves through the eyes of Hell, our lives become Hellish. "We become what we think."

I put it down to returning to chanting more regularly.

Joy wasn't something that came easily for me. I was strongly suspicious of it, and if I am honest, then I have to admit that I still am, at times. My mother and grandmother always liked to say, "Happiness is always followed by tears. You laugh now, but later on you'll be crying." I believed them. When I found myself happy for no reason I used to panic, wondering what disaster would strike because I was happy. Somehow, my mother and grandmother's superstition made me think that if I were happy, I would be punished.

We become what we think.

So, of course, some drama or disaster immediately followed my joy. Of course it did. I believed it did. I became what I thought.

Today, though, I am living in this moment of complete unfettered joy of being alive. The joy that I am me and no one else. That I have this life, that I have this breath and that I have this moment on this planet, in this place with these people and circumstances. Even if some of those circumstances are not ideal. Even if there are health challenges and workloads and strained relationships and bills to pay, there is still joy.

I told a friend of mine once that "above the clouds, the sun still shines and above the clouds, we are all Buddhas."

Even when it rains, even when circumstances are less than ideal or even dire, we are all still Buddhas.

Write.

Lisa Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday has provided an interesting prompt for today: WRITE. And today, I am going to challenge my fellow writing friends to write about writing and leave me a comment so that I  can go take a quick look at your blog and leave you a comment. The rules are to write only for five minutes... which can be a challenge for those of us who have a lot to say about writing.


Edit: I put this in because the other bits sounded a bit pompous, so here's my thoughts on writing:

I've had quite a few writing students pass my way. No matter what their skill, or whether they were beginners or advanced, there was one thing that I told them all: If you want to improve your writing you need to write every day. Blog, journal, write letters - the format makes no difference. Write every day.

Reading a variety of books - both fiction and non-fiction - also helps.

Just starting out writers and writers who have written for years also benefit from going easy on themselves. Negative self-criticism (as well as from well meaning family and friends ) will only sound the death knell for any writer.

If you want to write, then begin to write. It's that simple. Write with love, abandon and joy. Write unedited. Write in crayon and paint. Write in the sand. But WRITE. Every day.

MY PERSONAL JOURNEY (SHORT VERSION) THROUGH WRITING


I was seven when I wrote my first short story. I don't remember details, but the plot revolved around a clever Arab boy who kept outsmarting the Sultan with the help of one of the guards, who was named "Hamburger". I am sure that my rudimentary attempts at story telling were not as exciting as that plot outline sounds. And I have invented more interesting names for characters, since.

I have been writing, you could say, for 33 years. I wanted to be a writer before I knew I could sing, before I knew what opera was. I wanted to be a writer before I discovered art and flying saucers and pizza.

As soon as I knew how, I began writing. Of course, there was no child prodigy in any of those works. I sent stories off to newspapers and was mentioned by name for having sent in "a very nice space story". (This mention prompted a paedophile to look up our phone number and attempt to harass me with bizarre phone calls. My mother, after I told her, got the phone tapped and working with the police, she pretended to be me until the fucker was caught. He got nine months. I wrote very little after that and I submitted nothing to anywhere until much later.)

The teen years were filled with angst ridden poetry about how depressed I was, and how unrequited my love.

It took some doing but I did a six month journalism course (after doing the stuff my mother wanted me to do: PR and beauty therapy.) My first job was with the publicity department for Pope John Paul's visit to South Africa and then I joined SA Gardening magazine.

I've been freelancing on and off since about 1998 and published on the web, in the States, the UK and South Africa for both fiction and non-fiction work.

I've written course work, workshops. feature articles, short articles, news articles, press releases, web copy, brochure copy, short stories, blogs... and I've edited and sub edited and proof read. I've taught journalism and creative writing both in South Africa and the United Kingdom.

Currently I am writing a novel, but I am not  being that disciplined about it. That needs to change.

I also write a blog about writing, which I haven't updated in a while (mostly because it seems that no one actually reads it).

One day, I'll be paid nicely for writing. At least that's what all of us writers hope for. That and a big mug of coffee for the late night writing.

(I think that was more than  5 minutes.)

Behind The Scenes - The Story Behind the Picture

Mel of Barefoot Mel does this thing every Tuesday. She posts a picture and tells the real story behind it. Why? Because as much as we like to believe everyone's lives is as perfect as they like to show on Facebook, that's not quite the truth. So, just this once, I actually have a photo to share and a story to tell.

You will see my beautiful blue eyed child Coco Piranha in the picture above. You'll also see her sitting alongside what looks like a bunch of builders' rubble. In fact, Coco loves sitting on top of the bricks and next to the bricks. It's where she hangs out sometimes.

What looks like builders' rubble is a grave, the final resting place of my friend Bodhisattva Kinkytail, who died last year from poisoning. (You can read that story here)

The day we buried him, the dogs (we only had 3 at the time) joined us. We showed them Bodhi's body. They whined a little and sniffed. They knew. They knew that this was once Bodhi, their friend, and their friend had crossed over.

I did a whole burial ceremony for him with incense and prayers and a call for his soul to be released to be reincarnated when the time was right. We laid his body, which we had wrapped in a towel, into the grave and I finished off with a few prayers.

Then I witnessed something extraordinary. Our dog, Bokkie, who absolutely adored Bodhi, began shovelling dirt over his body with her nose. She continued to do this until his body was covered. When the other two dogs came close, she growled at them. She only stood back from her task once it was done and not a single piece of the towel we wrapped him in poked out of the ground. Madelein and I, already distraught at Bodhi's death, couldn't stop crying as we watched Bodhi's best friend bury him that day.

Animals know.

Bodhisattva Kinkytail. More than a cat and a wise old soul. I miss him every day.

True

Lisa Jo Baker encourages us each Friday with a prompt to write for five minutes only on a given topic. This week's prompt: True.


I am not a Christian, nor am I a mother, so I feel that in these respects I do not actually belong in the Five Minute Friday group. My perspectives are coloured by my practice of Buddhism, which I know conflicts a great deal with the ideas and beliefs of other Five Minute Friday participants.

This week, Lisa Jo has encouraged us to share our true. She herself has shared that she is "not just a mom", but has many other facets to her life that go beyond being a parent. So, in keeping with the theme of sharing truth, here are a few of my own:

I wasn't always a Buddhist. I was raised a Christian and was baptised in the Catholic Church at the age of 17. I converted to Nichiren Buddhism in 2005 at the age of 32. Three years agoI left the Soka-Gakkai and began practicing Nichiren Buddhism independently. Right now, I am exploring all facets of Buddhism, not just the Nichiren school.

How do you get from being a Christian to being a Buddhist, you may wonder? I was a good Catholic. I went to mass, I went to confession, I prayed. Some of my views on spirituality and life and the universe were not consistent with the Christian faith, but I kept these to myself. I also had questions regarding the Christian faith that no one seemed to be able to answer. For instance, as one example, I was a Christian who believed in reincarnation.

In 2002, after divorcing my husband and then entering a new relationship which quickly became abusive, I went through a dark night of the soul. I had no faith in anything whatsoever. I came out of the closet, began rebuilding my life and was diagnosed with PTSD.

I drifted in a spiritual desert until 2004. Quite by chance, I had a conversation on the phone with a Nichiren Buddhist who put me in touch with other Buddhists in my area. At the time my life was not happy: I lived with an alcoholic who also cut herself, I was deeply depressed and coping with PTSD and my life did not seem worth living.

I found my peace and joy in Buddhism. It brought balance back to my life. And the odd thing is that I only understood some Christian teachings through my practice of Buddhism: you reap what you sow; love your neighbour as yourself.

I am a lesbian Buddhist who enjoys participating in a writing prompt hosted by female, mostly mom, Christians. That's my truth.

Mara as Portrayed in Sinfest

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

I love Sinfest. Particularly, the Sinfest Buddha. The above cartoon accurately describes Buddha's encounter with Mara. At least, in my book.

(Click on the image to view it properly. It has come out a little small.)