Ah yes. Peri-Menopause Part One

Because of the length of this treatise on peri-menopause, this post has been divided intothree parts.

You are not crazy. You might be peri-menopausal.

You know all those jokes people make about women going through menopause? Well. Turns out they're not jokes about menopause, but about peri-menopause.

Peri-menopause is a bit of a sneaky bitch. At least, for me. The early signs started about 7 or 8 years ago without me even realising it. 

It started out with intense anxiety, urinary incontinence and lowered sex drive. And a helluva lot of bladder and kidney infections. Also, a missed period here and there. Which is unusual for me because my cycle is like clockwork. I did suspect peri-menopause, but blood work was in the normal range. My (male) doctor at the time poo-pooed the idea of the onset of peri-menopause because I was "too young" to be going through peri at my age.

I have learned since that peri-menopause can start as early as 35. So, at the age of 38/39 I wasn't too young. It was just my body's clock that decided when I was going to go through peri and not a few pages in a medical text book. 

So... what is peri-menopause? It is not menopause itself - it's the time leading up to menopause when the hormones produced by our bodies start taking a nose dive in the lead up to menopause. Menopause is the period after your period stops completely - and it is said that you've reached menopause once you haven't had a period for a year. Or two years, depending on who you speak to.

Peri-menopause brings with it a bunch of not-so-nice symptoms (you can take a look at a list of them here: PER-MENOPAUSE INFO)

Later on, the symptoms became worse and I began to question my sanity: severe anxiety and depression, suicidal thoughts, brain fog, fatigue, body pain, memory issues, lack of focus and concentration... and this is a few years before the hot flashes started and those arrived three years ago.

I believed I was having a psychotic break a number of times. And this, I've since learned, is because of the drop in the hormone progesterone.

I was only taken seriously about my peri-menopause theory when a) I switched to a female doctor and b) the hot flashes and the gaps in my periods went from a week or two to several months.

You're not going nuts - you're going through a process which no one wants to believe you're going through. Not even the blood tests will show you're peri-menopausal right at the start of things.

My symptoms began with urinary incontinence and anxiety. I mean - what the hell? You're not going to be thinking menopause is on the way, right?

Then came the depression, the intense daily headaches, change in stamina.... the list goes on. For me, the hot flashes and physical symptoms were relatively easy to cope with. It was the psychological symptoms that I continue to struggle with. (more in part two)

So keep a journal of your period for a few months. See if you skip any, or if there are any changes to the length between periods, how long your periods last and if you bleed more heavily or less. Note also any physical changes such as vaginal dryiness or pain during sex.

Some symptoms can be linked to other illnesses so it's really important you still get checked out by your doctor. And it's okay to question your doctor if they tell you that you can't possibly be peri-menopausal because of your age.

Buddhist turns to God

It's been a very long while since I've posted anything. But today I feel moved quite strongly to post this.

For a period of 2 years I have seen signs from God that He has wanted me to turn to Him. I ignored them, of course. Because - Buddhist.

Then in December I dreamt of God. I spoke to Her (as she appeared to me). Later I had another dream in which I was re-baptised. I ignored those as well.

Then, on Easter Monday this year, I heard a voice distinctly say to me, "Pack up your statues and occult books. Follow me for a year from Easter Monday to Easter Monday".

So that's what I did and that's what I am doing. It's no accident I am writing this blog post. I was asked to do so by God.

And while I am still early stages of this journey, I feel more at peace. It's not been easy, though. It's actually been extremely challenging and incredibly difficult for the most part. But it feels right. And I feel good about it.

So here it is: I am a Buddhist who is turning to God. I am honouring His request and seeing what adventures pop up along the way.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end.

Every Season of 24 in a Nutshell:

Someone is after Jack Bauer/The President

They are using a terrorist group to get to them

A deadly virus/nuclear bomb/other sort of bomb is about to be unleashed on Los Angeles/New York/The World

Someone in CTU/The Whitehouse/FBI/all of the above is helping the evil terrorists

Oh no! It’s a conspiracy! The evil terrorists are a smoke screen for the real villain!

Explosion

Gun fight

The disaster they've been trying to avert happens

Chloe tells everyone what's really going on. No one believes her.

Jack captured by villains

Jack escapes from villains

Jack Bauer is shot/stabbed/infected with deadly virus. Oh no! Will he live? Of course he will!

Someone Jack cares about is in danger!

Jack disobeys orders to save them

Jack disobeys orders to save Los Angeles/New York/The World

A character reminds everyone that another character is a sociopath

Explosion

Gun fight

Helicopter

They believe Chloe now

Person Jack cares about dies/is deeply psychologically scarred/maimed/leaves the series

Jack saves The President/Los Angeles/New York/The World

He's still in trouble: he didn't get permission to save The President/Los Angeles/New York/The World/A lost puppy...

Tam Tries... Daily Affirmations for One Month

A month ago I set out to find out if doing daily affirmations would actually make any kind of difference in my life. I've used affirmations before, but quite honestly, without any commitment whatsoever.

In the past, I would maybe do them for a week, half heartedly and then stop. This time, I decided to commit an entire month. OK - I didn't manage them EVERY single day. But I managed them most days, and tracked them in my bullet journal.

I found the affirmations available from Unlock Your Life, a YouTube channel, really helpful. I had no idea where to start, and the channel gave me a kick off. There are so many affirmation collections to choose from and I started off with Morning Energising Affirmations.

The owner of the channel is a lady named Sarah Dresser, who is an actual clinical hypnotherapist, which set my mind at ease that this was the real deal and not Fong Kong.

When I started, my energy levels swung between "meh" and "FML". My mood was quite low as well. At first, it seemed like the affirmations were a waste of time, but a week in and something happened: my energy had increased and I no longer felt as low as I did. By the second week, my energy was at normal and my self esteem was healthier.

Now my energy levels are between "neutral" and "good" with a few days of "really good". Mood is between "neutral" and "I love my life".

Have affirmations made a difference? I think they have. I've decided to try other affirmations on Sarah's channel and am commiting to doing affirmations daily till the end of the year.

Here's the video I started with:

I'd love to hear your feedback - will you take the one month affirmation challenge?

The First Page of My Book

For a very long time, I was massively pissed off at the Universe. I was given a Life, plonked on this planet and had no idea what to do with myself. Or my Life.

I think it would be nice if on our tenth birthdays, say, the clouds part, angels descend to the tune of Beethoven’s Ode To Joy, and we are presented a book of instructions on how to live Life.

Perhaps accompanied by a selection of Bon-Bons and chocolate.

And a Unicorn.

Regrettably, this has never happened and never will happen. There are no manuals on how to live life or how to be happy. (Unless you count this one, and it’s usefulness is up for debate.)

Life

My ten year old self would be so very disappointed if she woke up in this nearly 43 year old body today. She had big plans for us: study medicine, become a world class doctor, writer, singer and cartoonist. Be famous! Travel the world, see America and have lots of pen-pals.

I am not famous or a world class doctor. Nor a world class anything, really. If anyone asked me to sum up my life in one sentence, it would be this:

Nothing has gone according to plan.

Of course, nothing ever does. When I was ten, or sixteen or even twenty, I still clung to a belief that yes, things can go according to plan. I can have it all. I can be a super rockstar opera singer bestselling author cartoonist. (The idea of medical school fell away for me shortly after discovering how badly I sucked at maths.)

Me, aged 23. And I thought I was fat and ugly. 

I had what I now laughingly refer to as my "Quarter Life Crisis" around 25. I was a housewife living in Holland, traipsing along with my husband as he worked around the world. (I also laugh now when I hear Millennials refer to their Quarter Life Crisis. No, little ones, it hasn't even begun yet.)

At the time, I was concerned that my career as a journalist had stalled as a result of my traipsing. I worried what people thought of me. I weighed 44kgs less than what I do today and I was ashamed that I was 'fat'. I cried bitter tears that my dreams of being an opera singer had been scuppered and I was an angry, bitter bundle of nerves that lacked self-esteem and confidence. (This lack of self-esteem and confidence ended up inspiring some spectacularly bad life decisions.) And just for shits and giggles, I battled with ongoing depression, a genetic legacy that I inherited from my mother's side of the family.

Life, I believed right up into my early thirties, was something that happened to me, that I had no control over. Given the track record I had with life, she was a colossal Bitch who wore a 14 inch strap on and who took great pleasure in fucking me really hard in the butt on a regular basis.

It took a long time, but eventually I learned that I was what was happening to my life. This revelation was both liberating and frightening. I was responsible for my life. I was responsible for my decisions and their consequences. Once that particular curtain had been lifted, it was not possible to let it drop back down. It was like taking the red pill in The Matrix.

The only thing that has changed in my life is that I have changed. (Also, I have been able to spot the spectacularly bad decisions before I make them these days. And I am fatter.) I am something of a writer, a bit of a cartoonist, a touch of an artist, a some-time sing-for-fun singer, and as far as the healing arts go, I found a home in the 'alternative medicine' scene. If nothing else, I have discovered that I have a hippy's soul.

I am still navigating my mid-life transition. I am stronger than I was in my twenties. I have more confidence and self-esteem and I have a big tool box filled with stuff I can pull out to help me move forward. It's true that life really does begin at 40.

And it's okay that none of it goes to plan.

More Silent Prayers for the Independent Nichiren Buddhist

I have been given some more silent prayers by John Tate, who has kindly allowed me to link to his page.


You can find them here: More Nichiren Buddhist Silent Prayers